Monday, 22 March 2010

Lessons in Honesty

I read this in another blog and it really rang true with me...

Friendly? Check!

Smiling? Check!

Welcoming? Check!

Actually have a clue about what’s going on? Uh uh.

I have a habit of putting on a brave face and smiling away when I have absolutely no clue as to what I'm supposed to be doing with life/work/anything.

It's like that song by Wilco (any fan of Girl, Interrupted will know exactly the song I mean):

How to fight loneliness?
Smile all the time

Shine you teeth 'til meaningless
And sharpen them with lies

And whatever's going down
Will follow you around
That's how you fight loneliness

You laugh at every joke

Drag your blanket blindly
And fill your heart with smoke

And the first thing that you want
Will be the last thing you ever need
That's how you fight it

Just smile all the time (repeat to fade)

So, anyway, that's how I feel most days. I suffer from depression and have done for quite some time. I go through phases where it doesn't affect me at all and I go through phases where it crushes all sense of self worth I might have had. It's a rollercoaster but it's just one I have to deal with.

I've recently had a referal to N* Clinical Psychology Service and am waiting for an invitation to start attending a CBT course. I've never actually tried CBT before now. Maybe it will help, but I think that you have to be in the right frame of mind for it to work (maybe that's obvious).

CBT is a way of talking about:

* How you think about yourself, the world and other people
* How what you do affects your thoughts and feelings.

The thing is, when I'm depressed, I *know* that my thoughts and feelings are negative and I *know* I shouldn't be feeling that way, there is just a sort of stubborn-ness in me that makes me feel I deserve to have those feelings and no amount of telling myself I'm being silly can beat that. Maybe that is the depression talking and not really me, but it's hard to differentiate between me and it sometimes.

I don't think that mental health issues are something that you should feel embarrassed about and yet in real life, I still am. I feel ashamed that I have these thoughts and feelings, I feel dysfunctional. It's just hard to admit that when you're face to face with someone.


  1. I 100% relate to your last paragraph x

  2. Hey,

    Saw you were following my blog so thought I would pop in and say hello! I lived in Berkshire for a while. Not long. Actually that isn't quite true. I lived in Surrey, but ended up in a psych hospital in Berkshire.

    Anyway, that was a bit off topic. I hope you get on well with CBT. It really helps a lot of people. It isn't just about recongising negative thoughts etc, it is also about changing them too. I hope it goes well for you anyway.

    Bip x